Back in 2005 I had everything going for me. I had a great job, a car I loved, and a best friend who kept me drunk and entertained. I was living the American dream. But something was missing.

The girl I had fallen in love with had moved to England. She was the first and only girl I had ever really loved. She was brilliant, kind, and cared about the same things as me. Oh yeah, and she was smokin' hot.

The thing is, with girls in the past, I always felt like I sort of had to 'convince' them to be interested in me, and when they did finally relent and agree to date me, they always acted like they were doing me some kind of favour.

But it wasn't like that with this girl. She seemed to be genuinely interested in me. She seemed to love me as much as I loved her. I thought I had lucked out. Beaten the odds. I thought I'd found the one girl I could be happy spending the rest of my life with.

Before I met her, I never had any interest in marriage or children. But with her, all of a sudden I did want those things. And after being with her, all other girls just seemed bland and uninteresting.

So yeah, I quit my job, sold the car and pretty much all of my worldly possessions, and moved here. And you know what she tells me the first time I see her?

"Oh yeah, you know all those times I told you I love you? Yeah, I meant as like a friend, or a brother. I'm actually thinking about marrying an English guy."

f**k me. You'd think that's the kind of shit she'd tell me before I quit my job and moved to England.

So yeah, I was devastated. I couldn't believe how wrong I had been about her. It completely destroyed my self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

And it's all been shit since then. I just keep doing the same (excuse my bad language) thing: I meet a girl who seems really cool, and because she's nice to me (probably just pity) I start to think she's interested in me. So then I start to be interested in her. Then I start to act like an obsessive freak until she won't talk to me anymore. I don't want to be this way, but I can't seem to help it.

With the most recent girl, I've known her for over a year. When I met her she had a boyfriend, but she was having a hard time. She had just arrived in England, and didn't have any friends here.

And honestly, all I ever wanted was to be her friend. I never meant to fall in love with her.

And the thing is, I swore I would never tell her. But she figured it out from the way I was acting and basically dragged it out of me. She said that it was ok, she didn't mind. But I told her, "no, it's not ok. Just tell me that I have no hope, that I don't have a chance with you, and I'll forget about it and just be your friend."

But she wouldn't do it. All she said was, "it's not that I don't like you; it's just that I have a boyfriend."

This was in September, but even then I knew what would happen. I knew that she was going to break up with her boyfriend, and then just go out with someone else. That's why I just wanted her to tell me she wasn't interested in me.

And that's what happened. When she broke up with her boyfriend she went out of her way to let me know, but then when I asked her out for coffee she acted all weird. But then she said she'd spend Christmas with me.

And I was willing to give her all the time and space she needed. But then, the next thing I know, she's going to France for Christmas with some other guy. And she didn't even tell me so I could have time to make other plans.

It's just frustrating. Why couldn't she have just given me a straight (excuse my bad language) answer when I asked her four months ago? Why am I still thinking about her?

Alek's right. I'm 28, so at least chronologically I am a grown man. But how exactly does one 'man up'? What is the procedure, the methodology?

If I wanted to stop drinking, I'd just quit buying alcohol. If I wanted to stop smoking, I'd just quit buying cigarettes. But how do you stop thinking about someone?

I can't (excuse my bad language) sleep. I barely eat. I want to change, but I don't know how to change.

Look, I know that my life is great. I have an amazing group of friends, I really like my research, and I love playing football and climbing. But I still feel like I'm just barely holding myself together. And I don't know what to do about it.

My life isn't hard. It's not terrible. It's not pathetic (well, some may disagree). It's just kind of stupid. I have the temperament of an artist, but not the talent. I have the aptitude of a scientist, but not the motivation. All I want is to be a writer, but I'm not any good at it. And when I'm supposed to be doing my research, I spend most of my time daydreaming.

So yeah, this is me venting. It was either this, or just have a mental breakdown. And I have too much work to do, so I can't afford a breakdown at the moment.

I'm not expecting sympathy, or even for people to read all of this, but it just makes me feel a little better to write it out.

Alright, f**k it. I'm off to find myself a nice bat.

The mammal kind, not the baseball kind.

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"If you're offended, don't be" -Andy Kirkpatrick

That is a pickle, but you have to remember Andy, start off by rating yourself out of 10 for looks and personality, and then aim for a girl a few numbers below you, and work up from there, or just stick to a baseball bat!

I thought that was a pretty good piece of writing.

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MILF-Hunter

Thanks MILF-Hunter, I really appreciate it.

That's good advice Laurence, but I just don't think I can do it right now. At the moment I just feel hideously ugly and worthless.

I mean, I feel like I'm a fairly decent guy as long as I'm not trying to be anything more than friends with someone, but I just don't feel like I have anything to offer a woman. I hate myself, and I don't know how to change.

And really, I don't want anything right now. I just want to enjoy my last year as a student. But I don't know how to just let go.

Do they sell baseball bats in England?

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"If you're offended, don't be" -Andy Kirkpatrick

Also, I don't think I could bring myself to pretend to be interested in someone while I was 'working my way up' to someone better. I don't ever want to make someone feel the way I feel now.

Hell, I won't even ask a girl out if I even think a friend of mine is interested in her. I just don't want to hurt anyone else.

A friend of mine once told me that my problem is that I'm too nice. I don't think that's true. I think my problem is that I go (excuse my bad language) insane when I can't sleep, and lose all sense of perspective.

Unfortunately, I also lose all sense of what should and shouldn't be posted on the climbing forum.....

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"If you're offended, don't be" -Andy Kirkpatrick

It sucks, sorry you're feeling like this Andy.

I probably can't offer much advice as I get over things easily, but I tend to try and remind myself that one day I'll be over it and it'll all be better, and for some reason it helps me see the bigger picture and forget about it.

I don't know what to suggest, girls suck, we know this (and I know that personally I'm terrible, sometimes I wish I came with a disclaimer saying I'm probably not even interested, and if I am I'll change my mind about it in an instant and it's best not to bother).

I hope that talking about it has helped anyway.


Edit: If you can't sleep I've got some lethal perscription sleeping tablets here that gave me hallucinations...

Thanks Jaq.

Actually, I do feel a lot better now. Sorry to subject everyone else to my whinging.

And no matter how morose and self-absorbed I am, I never cease to be grateful for all the friends I do have.

I should come with a disclaimer as well. Something along the lines of, "if you're a woman, don't be nice to me. I'll just think it means you're interested in me, and you really don't want that."

Well, actually that's not true any more. I guess in that respect I have changed. Now I just assume that no one is interested in me, no matter what they do.

Heh. The last girl who seemed genuinely interested in me turned out to be a prostitute.

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"If you're offended, don't be" -Andy Kirkpatrick

*splutter*

I assume you don't mean literally.


Haha, I was gonna say that on my own disclaimer I wanted "please don't assume that because I'm being nice to you it means I fancy you"

Glad to hear you're feeling better, you'll get over it, and just try to work on hiding your obbessive behaviours to women you're interested in (it never goes down well), although I suspect it's easier said than done!

Yes, literally.

But this was a while ago, and no one you guys know, otherwise I wouldn't mention it.

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"If you're offended, don't be" -Andy Kirkpatrick